Let’s face it …

Is the way you look a major (or even your main) concern in your life? Do you compete with other women with respect to beauty? Do you get validation by how many men find you sexy and attractive?

Chances are that if you feel the need to pose in every picture, the answer is – at least to a certain extend: „yes“.

Thank you for being honest with me and I will also be honest with you: How you look, how beautiful you are and how attractive you come across is indeed important. And here is why.

Part 1: On beauty

1.1 The function of beauty

What we consider beautiful are simply indicators of youth and health. Our forefathers that chose to mate with women that were young and healthy had more offspring and higher chances that their offspring would survive. So after hundreds of thousands of years of natural selection every one alive today is a descendant of people who favoured young and healthy women. And all of us have inherited this preference. The hourglass figure seems perfect for giving birth, symmetric faces are an indication of no major diseases in the embryonic phase, and long legs simply mean that you can cover more kilometres per day and thus collect more fruits. Quite frankly:

If not hitting your head in the cave would have been of higher survival value than the number of fruits you collected than we would now all get crazy about short legs rather than long.

Beauty is a shortcut. Originally we were not looking for „beauty“ as such. We just looked for hints of youth and health. As our forefathers could not afford to send every single woman through a thorough medical check-up before mating, they simply took the best guess and found those hints „attractive“.

By the way, woman do the same with men. To secure the successful upbringing of their offspring women are not only looking for good genes but also for a good provider that has the resources and social status to ensure their offspring the best chances to flourish. As men don’t usually run around with their salary slip in hand and a written testimonial of their social status, women are looking for a shortcut as well. That is why they find the confident man attractive and not the insecure one. The underlying assumption is that if he is confident he must have something going for him!

1.2 Why beauty is important

Mating is the biggest game on earth. And beauty kind of puts you in the pole position. Whether you are looking for a fling, a brief sexual encounter, a life long partner, or enjoy the attention and simply want confirmation of your mating value, beauty is your easiest door opener. It is the very first impression that will either interest someone to get to know you or not. However, this is a „yes or no“ decision! So here is the thing:

You just need to be beautiful enough! Being more beautiful is really not particularly important.

You just need to be beautiful enough to spark an interest or at least create an opening to connect with someone you are attracted to. Then the job of beauty is done. Being more beautiful than that is really not particularly important.

1.3 How beautiful do you need to be?

If you understand that, then you know that there is a threshold of beauty you need to pass in order to create an opening with the guys (or girls) you are interested in. Once you have passed this threshold, it is no longer important whether you would rate yourself as a „six, seven, eight, nine or ten“. In fact there is a point where being too beautiful will actually work against you, but more about that later.

Although there seems to be some commonly agreed upon beauty standards, you will know from your own experience that people often have very different ideas about who is beautiful and who isn’t. Not only does that differ from person to person, it even differs within that person! Lets take an example:

How skinny do you need to be? Well the answer depends on how hungry the guy is!

A certain surplus in body fat communicates to the unconscious mind „a promise to access to food“. So when researchers were testing in front of a students cafeteria how guys would rate the attractiveness of young women , they found that pictures of women with a few extra pounds got a higher rating by guys on their way to the cafeteria (hungry!) than when the guys left the cafeteria (full). So if you carry a few extra pounds you might want to meet the guy for pre dinner drinks. If you are skinny, better opt to meet after the meal J.

Okay, you get the point. Whatever your looks might be, they might work with one guy and not with another. But more importantly, you don’t need to be perfect, just pretty enough to create an opening with the people you are interested in.

1.4 How to be beautiful, hot and sexy

 Truth is, male energy has to find female energy attractive. Use that simple fact of life. Tap into your femininity and sexuality WITHOUT advertising it. That is the key to attract the guys you want in your life. It is a subtle but important distinction:

Express your femininity and sexuality but don’t advertise it

The reason is simple: You would ever only advertise something if there is not enough demand for it. And that is clearly not the message you want to display. Instead you want to communicate the subtle message that there is more than enough demand for you AND you remain open to meet more fabulous people. So rather than displaying it for the purpose of creating attraction, connect to your femininity, sexuality and beauty so that YOU FEEL it. You will be surprised to see how people in your life will easily pick that up, because it is who you ARE rather than what you are pretending to be. And that is incredibly attractive. Now relax and remember that there is no need and no pressure to be a „ten“. Anything between higher than a “five” will get the job done!

1.5 How to move up the scale of attractiveness

Fancy to move up by one, two or more points? Trick his mind by using the power of assumptions. Now this is a big one and you need to understand how the mind works to fully get how powerful it is.

We tend to see people the way they see themselves. If someone thinks he is confident you will pick up the signals and assume he is confident, If someone thinks he is insecure you will pick up the signals and assume he is insecure, If someone thinks you will like him you will pick up the signals and chances are you will like him. Basically we assume that if someone shows up a certain way he does that for a reason. It is a shortcut for the mind to come up with conclusions.

This is why it is important to embrace whatever you think your imperfections might be. As long as you perceive them as taking away from your beauty, guys will pick up the signals and perceive you as less beautiful. Remember, guys will pick up whatever you put out. Embrace your imperfections as something that makes you unique and that men will find cute and loveable. And that will be the signal guys pick up.

We all know women, where we wonder why the heck they are so successful with guys. Now you know. They are always the ones that are simply assuming that guys will fall for them – and as a result that is exactly what guys do!

In Summary

  • What we consider to be beautiful are simply indicators of youth and health
  • You just need to be beautiful enough to spark an interest. Being more beautiful than that is not particularly important.
  • Whatever your looks might be, they might work with one guy and not with another.
  • Express your femininity and sexuality without advertising it.
  • Connect to your femininity, sexuality and beauty so that YOU FEEL it.
  • We tend to see people the way they see themselves. So embrace your “imperfections” as something that makes you unique, cute and loveable and guys will fall for you and your uniqueness

 

Part 2: The limitations of beauty

2.1 Moving beyond looks

Remember that beauty is an indicator of high reproductive value? Men developed that preference for beauty at a time where all that was needed was a sexual act and then the male would move on. These days you might want him to stick around for a little longer! That is where we have to face the limitations of beauty. Beauty is an indication for high reproductive value not high partnership value.

By overly focussing on beauty you keep displaying your reproductive value instead of displaying your partnership value

So it should not come as a surprise that the men in your life buy into what you are displaying … they can not do otherwise unless you start displaying other qualities as well. So if your relationships remains shallow and unfulfilling, that is why!

2.2 The Fuck up

We all want to be respected, appreciated and loved for who we really are so stop showing up as someone you are NOT

We are trying to please by displaying qualities that we THINK will get us approval rather than the qualities that define us. And that is a fuck up: Any validation, admiration or approval you get is for something you are NOT. The people who like us, like us for something we are NOT, which kind of kills us from the inside. No wonder if you feel empty, meaningless, struggle with your self-worth. And this creates disconnection to the people in your life and the feeling of not being enough.

2.3 Show up as the woman you are

Hopefully by now you understand that

  • Beauty is your door opener but you can relax about it as all that is needed is to be effective enough to create an opening.
  • Beauty is an indicator for high reproductive value, so if you want to be valued for more than that, you need to display other values
  • You will want the people in your life to appreciate you for who you really are and not for who you are not

So you better get the guts to show up authentic and true and express all parts of your personality! This will determine whether you can move beyond your self doubts, depressed states, perceived emptiness and meaningless relationships and are going to live a powerful, fulfilled and happy life. Initially you might not even know what these qualities are, that is just a sign that you have hidden them for far too long and need a little practice to rediscover who you are.

Give up your neediness for validation and start speaking whatever is true for you regardless of whether you think this will get you approval or not. Check in whether what you are doing and how you show up is in line with who you really are. This is your path to reconnecting to all the qualities that define you. Each little step in that direction will make you feel powerful as you tap into your strengths and assets while the people in your life start to appreciate and love you for the woman you really are.

For more insights: Torsten Lueddecke